This is exactly how it feels.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/04/what-i-mean-when-i-say-my-daughter-was-stillborn/

Remains

These past 10 days since we said goodbye to our sweet Carter have been really hard. Tomorrow we go to the funeral home to pick up his ashes. We planted a hybrid apple tree that grows three apples. He is special to us and felt that he deserved a special tree to honor him. The only person besides my husband who has been supportive is my mom. Carter's urn is coming on Thursday and we are having a celebration of his life party on Saturday.

My husband and i had sex for the first time since we lost our little guy. It was passionate and nice.

Letter to the hospital

I received such wonderful care at the hospital that i wanted to let labor and delivery know about my nurses and doctors. Here is the note i sent:

I was admitted to the labor and delivery suite after several ultrasounds confirmed that my 27 week old son had no heartbeat. My whole world was crashing around me and two individuals made a horrific situation bearable. Nicole and Carrie were two nurses that made me feel respected, cared for and went above and beyond what is expected of a nurse. They checked in on me even when i didn't need anything. They were a shoulder to cry on. Nicole took such great care when taking my son Carter from my arms, she wrapped him up tenderly and took him for his autopsy. If he could see her, he would know how much a complete stranger cared for him. Carrie held my hand when they were inducing me and continued to compassionately care. Both nurses were amazing and you are lucky to have them both. I hope someday that i am successful in a pregnancy and that i can have these two wonderful ladies on my service. Dr. Deenadalyu was a great doctor who explained everything and made me feel respected in a powerless situation. He explained things so well and didn't dumb anything down. I felt that he respected Carter, and when a tech said "what do we do with it?" after carter was born, doctor deenadalyu said "we give HIM to his mother." I know that in the upcoming days things will still be hard from the loss of my son but these 3 individuals made me feel like he was being cared for as if he were alive. Thank you.

Patient relations wrote me back and said: 

Dear Ms. Rubenfeld,

I would like to offer my most sincere condolences to you and your family for your loss. It was very kind of you to take the time to let us know of your experience and I assure you that I will forward your email to the manager for the Labor and Delivery unit so that she is aware of the care that you received. If there is anything further that I can be of assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely,

Pam

I hope that they are at least patted on the back for their great nursing.

The loss of Carter

On Thursday at 1am i started having what i thought were braxton hicks contractions. By 4 am they were increasing and were a little painful. At 5 i called the on call doctor who told me to go to the hospital immediately. At 5:30 they found no heartbeat and confirmed with multiple ultrasounds. I take lovenox so they told me i would have to come back around 7:30 pm same day and they would induce me for labor. My husband and i went back at 7:30 and they put in this device to dilate me. They said it could take days for me to deliver. At 3:20 am on friday i started having terrible contractions and told my husband to get the nurse. By 3:28 am i had given birth to my sweet beautiful son Carter, just me, my husband, the nurse and my baby. I was 27 weeks and he was perfect in every way. He had my nose, and my husbands feet. Its only been a few days since we lost him, and every day i can't believe that he is no longer with me.

I have Antiphospholipid Antibodies. 

Researching APS, lovenox, and pregnancy is helping take my mind off Carter for a few minutes.....